Fancy a quickie or a courtship?

Bon soir possums! Following up from a previous post where I interviewed some local lads in an endeavor to uncover the vibe of Vancouver’s dating scene, I have new and interesting insight to share. Groundbreaking, maybe not. Fucking hysterical, absolutely.

After countless conversations with a substantial sample of my peer group, it appears that people most commonly gravitate towards 1 of 2 dating sites. Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. POF seems to attract people with a more flakey tendency towards dating whereas eHarmony seemingly sucks in the sincere folk who want to make a connection. Why? For the simple fact that these people have invested some dollas. If you pay, you’re ready to play. If you fish, you’re more likely to ditch. Makes sense. Money means commitment...right? It’s debatable.

Another dating tactic that has somehow survived the ages is the live chat 1-900 numbers. I’m sure you’ve all seen the one with Avangeline Lily where she sold her soul to Live Links, despite being a big star today. Haha...ha...ahem. So, in the spirit of continuing in my quest for the singleton, I decided to take one for Team Possum and do a little research on the subject.

I rang up one of these live chat lines and recorded a pseudo profile message (the bf was present for this, laughing his tookus off, in case you were questioning my morality). And we’re off to the races...

Caller #1 - Keith. He immediately left me a personal message after my profile had been on the line for all but 5 minutes. And I quote, “There’s alot of lying on this line. Maybe I'm too old for you? I dunno.....I’m a 36 year old white male from Vancouver. Looking for the same age...younger...or older, it doesn’t matter. Maybe we’ll end up getting a relationship out of it, or being friends? There’s alot of bullshit on these lines. I want to meet someone normal.”

This man sounds slightly tormented...and clearly has no standards. Never use the word ‘maybe’ on these things. Hey fellas - women like a man who knows what he wants. Next.

Caller #2 - Ryan. “I’m 30, from Surrey, 6’2, 220, slim build, green eyes. Let’s hang out tonight, I want to chat with you.”

Nicely done! This sounds promising. Good show Ryan from Surrey, I hope you’re chatting with an eligible gal as we speak.

Caller #3 - Name unknown. “I’m an energetic white male, 49 years old. I can’t believe it....cant believe time is passing me by so fast. I haven’t been hooked up yet. I’m attractive...I think I am...it’s in the eyes of the beholder. I’m looking to experience activities with someone, and maybe a bright future? I’m a good-hearted gentleman.”

OK - two things here. Girls love a guy with confidence. The delicate flower facade doesn’t go over well with women. Second, this fella reeks of midlife crisis.

Caller #4 - Name unknown. “Hi, what’s up, are you horny tonight?”

He’s forward and knows what he wants. It’s an honest question.

Caller #5 - Sounded suspiciously similar to caller #3. “Hi, I’m wondering how old you are? It’s embarrassing, its been too long. I’m longing to just hug and hold somebody. Well....do the other things too. I’m single and uh...i dunno, um...my last 2 girlfriends...kind of...well, I let them go. They wanted to cause me pain and anguish after they left. I never did them any wrong. Now I'm single.”

I’m certain caller #5 is also caller #3. It seems he wasn’t happy with his first message, so decided to give it another go. I commend his honesty but somehow sense those 2 girlfriends were on to something.

Caller #6 - Name unknown. “5’11, 170 pounds...nice big hard cock.”

Rule of thumb - try to avoid callers who sound like they’re watching the playboy channel.

Caller #7 - John. “Hey ladies, I’m 40, 6’3, very horny and kinky, looking for a live girl to talk soon.”

At least he’s looking for a ‘live’ girl. Good to know.

Please note that the above callers selected the option for ‘meaningful relationships’. I think we’ve heard enough evidence here folks. Perhaps we should let this one die with speed dating.