Drama in Ottawa

As many other Canadian bloggers have done this week, I felt the need to blog it up a bit concerning all the hoopla surrounding the proposed coalition. Allow me to break it down for you, in my most educated cowgirl speak...

The Coalition Parties

Let’s start with Stephane Dion. Why oh why would the Liberals elect this man to lead their party? During the federal election, my support for the Liberals was lost due to his condescending tone and angry demeanor. Why must he behave like such a whiney bitch? Sore loser, that’s why. His national address, which clearly displayed Dion at his finest, arrived 1 hour late and was out of focus. When President Bush makes an address to the US there’s catchy music, top of the line production and a flashy back drop. You almost expect some dancing girls to pop out behind him. Not here in Canada folks. Instead, Dion resorted to something that resembled that of an amateur youtube video. Nice work. Can we bring back Jean Chretien please?

Enter Jack Layton, leader of the NDP Party and Dion’s new BFF. It appears that Layton is taking the reins on this one, placing Dion in his shadow. At least he speaks English. Just a tip Layton, lose the porn stash.

Next up, the Bloc. Can’t we just give these folks ownership of an island in the arctic archipelago? If they want to separate so badly, why stop them? Aller mes amis. However, don’t think you’ll be leaving with the largest province in the country, placing a hole in the heart of Canada. Put your parkas on and relocate.

Although not officially part of the coalition, the Greenies have expressed their support. I quite like the idea of the Green Party assuming a few seats in the house. These folks aren’t exactly capable of balancing a federal budget, but I think they have a place in parliament in terms of raising awareness on the subject of sustainability and the environment. Go green.

Our PM

During Stephen Harper’s national address, he had the opportunity to level with the Canadian public and focus on what’s best for Canada. However, he blew it by using his prime time TV spot to campaign for his party, and further campaign for his job. He repeatedly says that he want to ‘focus on what’s best for Canadians’, yet he’s not exactly playing by this principle. By the way, where are his PR people? Harper comes across far too stuffy. Just because you’re the leader of the Conservative Party, doesn’t mean you have to dress so conservatively. You’re the Prime Minister for god sake, invest in a nice suit...but not too spanky, we’re in a recession,


Have the conversation

If nothing else, the proposed coalition has sparked dialogue regarding our political system and hopefully inspired people to learn a bit more about proportional representation (myself included). What would be the impact of a coalition government on the Canadian electoral system? Seemingly, a coalition government is a truly proportional representation of the people but can anything really be accomplished? This is what we should be asking ourselves possums.

It also raises the question; is a pluralistic system like we currently have the best option for Canada? Where disproportional seat distribution results from the division of voters into multiple electoral districts, creating a winner takes all system. As one friend put it; “the Conservatives represent 35% of the house, so that means 65% of the votes didn’t count...so why vote?”

Thankfully the Gov General has postponed parliament until the Conservatives present their budget in January. Given the shaky economy, is this really the best time to be experimenting with democracy anyway? After all, it is the holidays. Perhaps our political leaders should kick back and enjoy some rum and eggnog.

Vancouver Votes

As the Vancouver civic election approaches, I find myself riffling through campaign pamphlets in an endeavor to make some informed choices. I received a wonderful little booklet in the mail from the City of Vancouver, which includes individual bios for each of the candidates (obviously self-written). In light of my research, I felt I should share with you...

The Urban Cowgirl’s Favorite Mayoral Candidate Quotes:

Patrick Britten, The Nude Garden Party (very progressive)
“We give freedom of person and society, to learn, evolve, work, play, and love; freedom to triumph beyond conceptions in feardom.”
Feardom? I’m sorry Mr. Nude Horticulturist, there is no such word.

Golok Buday
“...he has joked, Philosophized, managed actors (acting careers), illustrated, painted, auditioned as a child, pamphleteered online, and is (born) from a family of active artists, humanists, and entertainers; also scientists and possible athletes.”
Besides the fact that his photo resembles Che Guevara in full-on revolution mode, I am relieved that he lists ‘joking’ as a qualification. ‘Cause if ya can’t joke people, surely ya can’t be mayor.

Menard Caissy
“Currently, I think Crime Property is down & theft is down significantly since November ’05.”
Thank goodness ‘Crime Property’ is down. Thanks tips. Way to cut and paste a statistic from the city’s website into your bio, very resourceful.

Marc Emery, BC Marijuana Party (he admits to inhaling)
“...introduce a regulated, licensed and controlled distribution of currently black market substances. This will dramatically reduce property crime, gang violence & killings, prostitution...”
Yep, yes it would. The Hells Angels are not going to like this one bit.

Mike Hansen
“As mayor of Vancouver I will bring the city into the 21st century.”
Funny, that works out because I’m pretty sure we were headed there anyway, no?

Joe Hatoum
“Hello fellow CITIZENS, & CANDIDATES; VANCOUVER is STILL POLLUTING the OCEAN with TOXIC SEWAGE - 780 million liters a day!!!”
Ok JOE! You DON’T have to YELL!

Angel Jimenez
“IF I’M ELECTED MAYOR I WILL ORDER the Vancouver Police Department to open its files of proven cases of misconduct by the members of the force.”
WE HAVE ANOTHER YELLER FOLKS. Hidden agenda par chance?

Leon Kaplan
“born in Rio......in 1989 moved to Canada and founded the Storefront Paper. Since then I’ve been running storefronts - things immigrants with PhDs do.”
Yikes, someone’s bitter. Why not open a Brazilian BBQ restaurant? We could use more of those...

Betty Krawczyk, Work Less Party (i fully support the formation of this ‘party’)
“...I am very worried about the future, both the immediate future and the long term future.”
Krawczyk also mentions that she is 80 years old. Not sure you should bank on the ‘long term future’ sista.

Jeff Kuah
“...advocate and champion for the rights of crime victims, student rights and human rights.”
Can’t argue with him there, however shouldn’t the mayor be more concerned with the lack of parking on my street or tax credits for self-employed bloggers?

Peter Ladner, Non Partisan Association
“...two-term city councillor...Vice-Chair of the Metro Vancouver Board...member of the Translink Board...35 years experience in public service...founding the award-winning Business in Vancouver weekly newspaper...avid commuter cyclist.”
Shall I go on? Nothing cheeky to report here possums.

R.H. Maxwell N Bur (how exotic)
“No Gay Parade No IOC Legalize Prostitution Large Business close Sunday There will be no Illegal Drugs in Vancouver”
I’m sorry, wha? The city actually allowed that to go to print? Freedom of speech sure walks a fine line with freedom of lunacy. At least he gives a shout out to the hookers.

Bill Ritchie
“Grassroots priorities from a working class grassroots background.”
I’m definitely going to take a grassroots approach to my voting process and somehow skip Ritchie on the ballot, given I’ll be pre occupied being grassroots.

Gregor Robertson, Vision Vancouver
“...Vancouver’s Mayor’s Environmental Award (2003), and the Ethics in Action Award (2004)...Top 40 Under 40 in the Globe and Mail in 2004...was elected MLA for Vancouver-Fairview.”
Despite the accolades above, have a peek at a previous post featuring Robertson. Wasn’t he recently charged with failing to pay his transit fare?

Scott Yee
”I want to build a public housing system.”
Yee provides a formula for this, however it numbed my skull trying to make sense of it so I’ll save you the migraine.

The above quotes were taken verbatim from the City of Vancouver’s Voters Guide. I kid you not possums.

VANCOUVER VOTES SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15

Ode to the US of A

Roses are red,
Tomorrow is election day,
It could be the biggest moment,
In the history of the USA,

Both McCain and Obama,
Are nearing the end of the campaign trail,
Some people speculate it’s a clear Democratic win,
But I fear the Republicans are right on their tail,

It’s no time to be complacent,
As Americans have learned in the past,
Hopefully the polling stations will be bumping,
So the US can turn things around fast,

I know from a Canadian perspective,
Most of us will be glued to our sets,
In hopes of a fresh start for our friends down south,
Hopefully Senator Obama knocks out that geriatric old vet,

Send Palin back to Alaska,
To hunt moose and raise all her kids,
Put Obama at the helm of the country,
So he can clean up all the shit,

Admittedly, Joe Bidden is a bit of a snore,
Perhaps Hil should have been Obama’s running mate?
Either way, I think the choice is clear,
Hopefully tomorrow, the US realizes it’s not too late.

In a plea to entice the public to vote tomorrow, sex toy store Babeland (with locations in Brooklyn and Seattle) has vowed to give voters the choice of a free Silver Bullet vibrator OR a Maverick Penis Sleeve with proof of voting for the week following the election. Perhaps some of Vancouver’s sexy-time shops should launch a similar campaign for our upcoming civic election? I like. Thoughts possums?

The Urban Cowgirl’s Top 5 Things I’m So Over Concerning the US Election:

5) Elizabeth Hasselbeck ranting her Republican sentiments across the table on The View whilst battling with Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar.

4) Sarah Palin and John McCain appearances on SNL. I realize this is the first time the show has had successful ratings in years, however it was funny the first time kids...and only the first time.

3) Interrupting regular (and important) programming like Letterman, for example. Shameful.

2) Celebrity endorsements. I’m quite confident that props from Scarlett Johansson, Ditty and the likes aren’t going to improve ones chances of getting elected.

1) The McCain ‘two thumbs up’. Alright already, we get it.

Pucker up piggies - we’re putting on lipstick north and south of the 49th

In recent months I’ve watched the drama surrounding the American election unfold, and with mere weeks to go before Americans hit the polls, I find myself wondering...what exactly are the key issues each party plans to address? So far I’ve been able to piece together 2 things - Sarah Palin is a foxy hockey mom who claims to have a lovely view of Russia from her front porch while Barrack Obama promises to impose a ban on the application of lipstick for citizens of pig-like proportions.

I’ve always been under the impression that the lead up to any election should be a time for political parties to bring their A-game and pitch their platform to the voting public. Yet, once again the mud slinging and scandals have taken over and I have to admit, it all makes for a sexier campaign. After all, controversy is what captures the public's attention, which is why many Canadians are completely unaware that we too are about to vote in a federal election.

A federal election in Canada is about as exciting as a game of curling (can you believe they televise that shit!?)...until now. Finally some dirt is beginning to surface and it’s completely turned my attention away from the US and onto what really matters. Like, the fact that candidates from both the Liberal and NDP parties have been engaged in naked protests, drugs and sexy time. Its-a niiiice, I-a liiiike.

You have one NDP (formerly Green) candidate who was charged with dropping his gear and requesting that a group of minors ‘body paint him all over’. Charming. Then you have a Liberal candidate who previously posed as Lady Godiva - naked - on horse back in a protest against logging on Saltspring Island. Come on Godiva, a few large scale hotels and casinos aren’t going to impact the island’s ecosystem that much. I kid, i kid.

Bottom line, our election is finally gaining momentum thanks to some wanker candidates with a closet full of skeletons. My attention will only drift back to the US should either candidate make mention of the many American NAFTA breaches that have occurred over the years but it won’t...they’re too busy trying to determine whether Palin or her daughter gave birth to that baby. God bless America.

Canada votes October 14.

The Summer Olympics Sucks for Canucks

I’ll admit that I haven’t exactly been glued to the TV keeping up-to-date with all that is the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. However, I have managed to catch a few events and monitor the medal tally as this global event is splashed all over every form of media…naturally.

One thing that has occurred to me is the lack luster and downright boring vibe the Summer Olympics has for Canadians. I know a lot of people who are completely dialed into the games, so I’m definitely not speaking for the majority. I just wonder, as it relates to these games, who cares really?

I’ve already expressed my opinion on the Canadian Olympic garb in a previous post, which only supports my case. I also have a few issues with the Olympics being held in a country that violates human rights and is ranked second in the world for producing carbon emissions. I digress, the summer games just aren’t our thing possums.

Thus, let’s break it down Beijing style with the Urban Cowgirl’s Top 5 Olympic Hits and Misses:

5) The medal standings - currently we have 9, putting us at 17th place – not too shabby I suppose. Hit.
4) One of our medals was awarded for, wait for it…the Trampoline. I’m sorry, wha? That’s a miss.
3) 2-time Olympic athlete Ryan Cuthbert is back to compete in the K-2 1000m Men’s Kyak. Given this thriving athlete used to crash on my couch back in the day, I’d like to think my influence had somewhat of an impact. That’s an automatic ‘hit’.
2) Table tennis. Seriously? Why not go ahead and add Parcheesi and Romoli to the mix? Big miss.
1) Michael Phelps. Granted, this part- porpoise/part-human can swim a solid race. However, I’m a bit over the 4 hour NBC special of he and his mama explaining just how special he is. Sorry Mike-o, I’m gonna have to give you a miss.

I simply can’t be bothered to sit in front of the tube watching our poor, pressured athletes succumb to such embarrassment and disappointment. I’m opting for beach volleyball at Kits…minus the medals. In the meantime, the countdown to the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver is on.

Legitimate logo wear or laughing stock – you be the judge

Why is it, time and time again, us Canadians adopt a somewhat embarrassing Olympic look rivaling that of fashion victims and trendy try-hards alike? Why have we allowed the Hudson Bay Company to take part in the selection, and ultimately, the responsibility of producing such important paraphernalia as it relates to our identity as a nation…our culture…the very essence of our Olympic team? WHY are our athletes forced to traipse about in something that resembles a bad Ed Hardy knock off? Helloooooo – the Hells Angels called, they want their tracksuits back. In utter shock from these monstrosities, my lovely bf and I took to the town this past weekend to see these wretched rags up close.

May I present to you, the Urban Cowgirls Top Three Offenders:

Exhibit A: the B-Tube. This Olympic accessory gets points for its multi-purpose design, for example: one can wear this as a head band, a bandana or a mouth muff to protect our athletes from Beijing’s pollution problem. This is apparently a ‘top seller’. Wha?

Exhibit B: the Tapestry Print Pant. My favorite. Ooooooh, let me throw on these bad boys and walk down Robson Street whilst sending innocent bystanders into sudden seizures. Excellent. How very patriotic.

Exhibit C: Less we forget this little gem people – the Olympic Onesie. Complete with a triple 8 on the back…what does that mean? We Canadians aren’t devil worshippers, but we’ll ice skate figure eights around you? Watch out world – here comes Canadia!

Speaking of Canadia (nice segway UC), I’d like to offer a quick plug to a gal from my hometown who is competing for Canadian Idol. She’s lucky she’s good, otherwise I’d have a hay day…but she’s good…really good. Her name is Nadine McNeil, click here to check out her online audition.

The Urban Cowgirl would like to wish you all a happy Cinco de Mayo! Viva la Me-hee-co! I sure wish I was kickin’ it with our friends south of the south for a little fiesta action right about now. Here’s to you my burrito eatin’ buddies. Te amo amigos. Until next week my little enchiladas. xx

From Perversion to the Pennsylvania Primaries

U.S. politics - will the fun ever stop? I’m so giddy with all the mud slinging I can hardly stand it.

On the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, the Clinton/Obama race heats up as this poll is said to be a deal breaker with respect to which candidate will represent the Democratic Party in the presidential race this fall. I for one was on Team Hillary until watching the debate last week to which Hill came across slightly bias given moderator George Stephanopoulos is a former senior advisor to hubby Bill when he wore the crown. Come on Hill - how disappointing!

For me, Hillary’s appeal has less to do with the fact that she’s a chick, but more to do with her platform, and quite frankly, her husband who has quite an extensive fan base here in Canadia. I for one had the pleasure of attending a conference where President Bill Clinton delivered an inspiring and authentic speech, no doubt winning over several friends from the north as audience members shouted ‘Hey Bill, can you run for Prime Minister’. Well we couldn’t do worse then our flannel baring PM Harper now, could we (here kitty kitty)?

In light of all of this presidential hoo-ha, I turned to one of my fave Yankee-doos to see what his thoughts were. Much to my surprise, Michael Moore is in full support of Obama, according to his blog. Fair enough Mike, I say anyone (even McCain dare I say) is better then a beef slingin’, cow herdin’, evil doer fightin’ George Dub-ya. And further, I’m hoping who ever assumes the hot seat in the White House will remember their fabulous friends from the north. The friends who provide hydro to light up the entire state of California. The friends who you screwed over with multiple breaches to NAFTA and the Softwood Lumber Agreement…just to name a few. Maybe its lights out for Hollywood until the U.S. plays nice? Just sayin’.

From toe-tappin’, closeted hypocrite Senator Larry Craig to George Dub-yas’ bizarre appearance on this evening’s episode of Deal or No Deal (WTF?)…the hilarity continues.

In other Vancouverite related news…

I’d like to draw your attention to a local establishment, which will remain nameless, that shamelessly chased my friend out of their bar over the weekend for failing to leave a tip on an $8 bottle of Heineken. Just a tip - how’s about you pay my friend to sit in your trashy bar to drink your crap beer. Good god, this city is out of control with cheeky servers expecting a 20% tip without question. Guess what bitches…you gotta work for it.

Vote for me…er…I’m drunk…

I recently found myself knocking back a few at a local bar-star boozery to watch a friend compete in an amateur comedy show. Assuming this was a night of crash and burn comics and a few pity laughs, I was somewhat surprised to find one of our local politicians pitching his platform amongst a tipsy crowd. Oooooh, my lucky night!

With the audience primed after heckling several comedic hopefuls, Mr. Gregor Robertson, MLA for the Vancouver-Fairview riding, decided to hop on stage following the show to deliver a sloppy speech. Apparently, campaigning to intoxicated 20-somethings is deemed to be an effective campaign tactic. Robertson is throwing his hat in the ring for the coveted position of Vancouver’s Next Top Mayor. What would Miss Jay have to say?

Following Robertson’s speech, I was left feeling confused, so I decided to say hello and introduce myself. I asked if he was in fact serious and sure enough, he confirmed his sincerity with bona fide beer breath. Did I mention he represents the NDP? Would that be the ‘No Drinking Party’, or…?

He was accompanied by a campaign manager-like fellow, who proudly looked on while Robertson spoke, slurring his words and spilling his pint. I noticed he was sporting a Barack Obama ‘Our Moment Is Now’ button. Right. Ofcourse, yes, that makes perfect sense.

With that, I leave you with Obama's campaign theme song by the legendary Stevie Wonder. Perhaps Mr. Robertson could use his own campaign song, for example “I got 99 problems and a bitch ain’t one”. Just sayin’.