Don’t call me baby

Last week while lunching with some lady friends, our conversation shifted towards the subject of dating – shocking, I know. We quickly realized that we all shared a similar opinion on the subject of pet names. You know, terms of endearment. Those sickening sweetie names we use when we’re smitten with the opposite sex.

I’m not poo-pooing pet names possums. In fact, I’m happy to engage in some love language with my bf, but there’s a reason why this is acceptable. So listen up all you single studs, because I have yet another piece of unsolicited advice for you.

One of my lunching ladies mentioned that she had met a pilot during a layover in Toronto. Following an impromptu 2 hour get-to-know-you-over-coffee first date, the pilot seemed promising. Let’s face it, the uniform gets you a second date regardless. Given our pilot is based back east, a budding exchange of text messages ensued. Talk of a second date on this side of the country seemed inevitable until our leading man made the mistake of typing something that we all agreed was a tad pervy. In the text he referred to our gal as ‘sexy’. Not, ‘wow you looked really sexy sitting at your gate that day’. No...no, no. Sexy as in ‘hope you had a good flight home, sexy’. Yuck.

We glanced at each other with a simultaneous look of disgust. Why was it so horrible that a guy referred to our friend as sexy? I’ll tell you why possums, because you just don’t go there until you’re in a relationship. I compare this to the first time you do a #2 at a guys place (which is another blog in itself). We don’t do this unless we’re committed, because for one reason or another, it’s considered offside. Same goes for ‘sexy’. Or shnookum bear, sugar tits, or any other bizarre-o pet name. It implies one of two things:

1. Your manner with women is comparable to that of an 80 year old.
2. You’re a sleazy chauvinist.

I’m certain I do not speak for the every one, but I’m confident I speak for most when I say - sexy is not okay unless, at the very least, you’ve had a roll in the hay.

Case in point:

Fancy a quickie or a courtship?

Bon soir possums! Following up from a previous post where I interviewed some local lads in an endeavor to uncover the vibe of Vancouver’s dating scene, I have new and interesting insight to share. Groundbreaking, maybe not. Fucking hysterical, absolutely.

After countless conversations with a substantial sample of my peer group, it appears that people most commonly gravitate towards 1 of 2 dating sites. Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. POF seems to attract people with a more flakey tendency towards dating whereas eHarmony seemingly sucks in the sincere folk who want to make a connection. Why? For the simple fact that these people have invested some dollas. If you pay, you’re ready to play. If you fish, you’re more likely to ditch. Makes sense. Money means commitment...right? It’s debatable.

Another dating tactic that has somehow survived the ages is the live chat 1-900 numbers. I’m sure you’ve all seen the one with Avangeline Lily where she sold her soul to Live Links, despite being a big star today. Haha...ha...ahem. So, in the spirit of continuing in my quest for the singleton, I decided to take one for Team Possum and do a little research on the subject.

I rang up one of these live chat lines and recorded a pseudo profile message (the bf was present for this, laughing his tookus off, in case you were questioning my morality). And we’re off to the races...

Caller #1 - Keith. He immediately left me a personal message after my profile had been on the line for all but 5 minutes. And I quote, “There’s alot of lying on this line. Maybe I'm too old for you? I dunno.....I’m a 36 year old white male from Vancouver. Looking for the same age...younger...or older, it doesn’t matter. Maybe we’ll end up getting a relationship out of it, or being friends? There’s alot of bullshit on these lines. I want to meet someone normal.”

This man sounds slightly tormented...and clearly has no standards. Never use the word ‘maybe’ on these things. Hey fellas - women like a man who knows what he wants. Next.

Caller #2 - Ryan. “I’m 30, from Surrey, 6’2, 220, slim build, green eyes. Let’s hang out tonight, I want to chat with you.”

Nicely done! This sounds promising. Good show Ryan from Surrey, I hope you’re chatting with an eligible gal as we speak.

Caller #3 - Name unknown. “I’m an energetic white male, 49 years old. I can’t believe it....cant believe time is passing me by so fast. I haven’t been hooked up yet. I’m attractive...I think I am...it’s in the eyes of the beholder. I’m looking to experience activities with someone, and maybe a bright future? I’m a good-hearted gentleman.”

OK - two things here. Girls love a guy with confidence. The delicate flower facade doesn’t go over well with women. Second, this fella reeks of midlife crisis.

Caller #4 - Name unknown. “Hi, what’s up, are you horny tonight?”

He’s forward and knows what he wants. It’s an honest question.

Caller #5 - Sounded suspiciously similar to caller #3. “Hi, I’m wondering how old you are? It’s embarrassing, its been too long. I’m longing to just hug and hold somebody. Well....do the other things too. I’m single and uh...i dunno, um...my last 2 girlfriends...kind of...well, I let them go. They wanted to cause me pain and anguish after they left. I never did them any wrong. Now I'm single.”

I’m certain caller #5 is also caller #3. It seems he wasn’t happy with his first message, so decided to give it another go. I commend his honesty but somehow sense those 2 girlfriends were on to something.

Caller #6 - Name unknown. “5’11, 170 pounds...nice big hard cock.”

Rule of thumb - try to avoid callers who sound like they’re watching the playboy channel.

Caller #7 - John. “Hey ladies, I’m 40, 6’3, very horny and kinky, looking for a live girl to talk soon.”

At least he’s looking for a ‘live’ girl. Good to know.

Please note that the above callers selected the option for ‘meaningful relationships’. I think we’ve heard enough evidence here folks. Perhaps we should let this one die with speed dating.



Taken until proven single

Penis straws, blow up dolls, and push up bras - oh my. Having just recovered from a weekend of bridal debauchery, it would seem that Whistler, BC has become the most sought after destination for stags and stagettes in this nook of the planet. A pre-marital mecca if you will. Never have I been in the company of so many brides-on-deck, determined to hit one last home run before barreling down the aisle. Fucking. Intense.

I’m happy to report that our bride was definitely the most refined of the bunch, refusing the ridiculous get up, and veil and such. However, I did witness a few theme stagettes worth noting, for example, the pirate stagette complete with wench dresses and eye patches. Very creative. Or, the more common ‘suck for a buck’ tank top where men (with little to no coaxing) will approach the blushing bride and suck a life saver from upon her bosom for one measly buck. Best deal in the bar. How about something more substantial like ‘boobies for doobies’, or ‘hooters for shooters’? Just sayin’.

Let’s not forget about the many stags terrorizing the town as well. As it turns out, a nice selection of boys belonging to a nearby stag joined forces with our foxy crew to party the night away. After several sweaty hours of interpretive dance and inappropriately touching the groom’s blow up doll, some of our ladies lingered back to their condo to keep the party going.

Given a majority of our harem is hooked up or engaged, there was little chance of anything occurring between party A and party B. This fact was made even more apparent when the gals arrived to discover all but one of the boys were married. Turns out they decided to take off their wedding rings before hitting the bar.

Now, I’m not one to judge...wait...wait wait, yes I am. I just wonder, is this the norm? Do all boys go on a stag with the intention of behaving badly behind some poor girls back? Or do married men just not get out much?

One of my fabulous coherts and I engaged in quite the rant while en route back to the city, and as she explained, most men are ‘taken until proven single’. In other words, we are to assume a guy is off the market until you have received confirmation otherwise because there are alot of pricks out there posing as nice, single guys. Scandalous!

This cowgirl would like to go on record stating that I do believe in good guys, love, happy endings, bah bah bah...but apparently there are some dirtbags on the lose. Therefore, we need to look out for each other ladies. It’s a jungle out there.

So let this be a lesson to boys attending stags everywhere - be careful who you hit on...your girlfriend could be getting fed the same lines at a stagette sometime soon.

Girl power possums.
xx

Woman are from Mars, men are from...Vancouver?

2:1 possums; the daunting statistic that has plagued our city to the point where many an eligible gal has resigned to life as a perpetual single. The number represents the estimated guy to girl ratio, which explains why most women are under the assumption that there just aren’t any available guys in Vancouver. Having lived within the city limits for 8 years now I’m starting to see some truth to these numbers. Once you minus the gay community, which has spoken for some of Vancouver’s most desirable dudes, there you have it. Girls, girls, girls.

Seemingly, the odds are definitely not in the favor of the female Vancouverite. This point was recently made even more apparent while celebrating a gal pals birthday over the weekend, only to be surrounded by a plethora of foxy female specimen. Not only were many of them single, they were beautiful, smart, funny, and successful. Any one of them a complete catch to an eligible bachelor. So what gives?

I decided to take to the street and survey some local boys to hear their take on the matter. When asked ‘why do you think there are so many single girls in Vancouver’, the responses went like this:

“They’re snobs. Vancouver is known for their snobby girls.” - Lee, Yaletown

“I think girls for the most part are always looking for a relationship when for the most part guys are not. I also think a lot of girls are looking for that perfect guy and won't give a lot of guys a chance.” - Brad, Pitt Meadows

“They have false expectations due to the false power men have given them mainly for the sake of sex. They never seem to be up front in the beginning.” - Marc, Burnaby

After much of the same response, I decided to pose this question for the ladies as well:

“People have ADD when it comes to dating. It seems like everyone is juggling, especially with online dating. It’s so easy to be casual about everything. I've met guys who I've really liked, had an awesome date with them, then I come home and check my plentyoffish. Only to see that they've logged on minutes before or after me! Everyone's doing the same thing.” - Kirsten, North Vancouver

Has online dating all but crippled the dating scene? Have we become incapable of committing by having the ability to click through a catalogue of potential suitors at any given time? Or, are Vancouver gals simply too picky? This might warrant a tad more research.

This post is to be continued...

From estranged to engaged

In recent weeks it has donned on me that a flurry of ex-boyfriends are getting hitched in this town. I say this only because a collection of my closest girlfriends - all at once it would seem - have come to me with the news that an ex has recently popped the question. No big deal right? Simply not so possums.

These said girlfriends have since moved on to other relationships, in some cases many times over, yet somehow the news of an ex-boyfriend’s pending nuptials still gets under a gals skin. Why do women feel an inkling of jealousy when news like this is brought to our attention? If we’re over these boys as we say, what gives?

The fact is, women tend to indulge themselves in the fantasy of what the future might look like with each and every boy we date. It’s just how we’re built. Deny it if you will ladies, but you know what I’m talking about. We can’t help ourselves, it’s something to do with the make-up of our inner psyche. One of the many woes of being a girl I suppose.

Men, on the other hand, do not give this kind of thing another thought. They couldn’t give a shit, dare I say. Nor do they fantasize about their wedding tux, where they might honeymoon, or maintain a shortlist of names for their first born child. It just doesn’t happen people. For men, planning ahead might be as extensive as ironing ones shirt for work the next day. Perhaps determining which UFC fight to PVR or what football game to bet on might sum up a man’s most prominent thoughts more accurately. You don’t often overhear a man say “She did it! She went and got engaged! Can you believe that bitch?” Not likely.

Why do we gals take this so personally? I too have an ex-boyfriend who was recently engaged and I can honestly say I’m thrilled for the little nugget. Do I expect an invite to the wedding? I suspect hell might freeze over before that happens. I will admit, however, a small part of me (the not-so-nice part) might in some way hope his bride-to-be trips whilst strutting down the aisle. Harsh? Maybe. My feminine psyche made me say it.

Are you dating a Doug?

Just the other day I found myself at the mercy of my local esthetician, getting a much needed mani/pedi combo, when these two gals plopped down in the massage chairs next to me. Having wandered in on my own, I couldn't help but indulge in their neighboring gossip session. Goodie.

As the girls prepped for an afternoon of pampering, I overheard them admiring each others Louis Vuitton bags...which were identical. Gag me with a nail file. They then moved onto a subject matter most commonly overheard in any spa or beauty salon the world over - dating. I guess these gals were so over gossiping about politics and the state of the economy. Ha.

One of them was moaning over her inability to meet Mr. Right and that she was tired of always dating the bad boy. Then I overheard her say, “Why can’t I just date a Doug?” I’m sorry, wha? According to Miss Louis Vuitton to my left, a ‘Doug’ is a nice, stable guy who wears a suit to work. Interesting...I do believe that I am dating this ‘Doug’ that they speak of. My bf is nice, stable and wears a suit to work, however I don’t think this constitutes Mr. Right (although it seems to have in my case).

Ladies - there are plenty of good guys out there. How about Paul the pipe layer, or Dan the mail man or...Ben the baker (I do know a Ben who is a baker, and he’s lovely). Perhaps us gals should stop looking for love based on stereotypes and open our minds a tad. You never know, your prince charming could be installing your cable as we speak.

Until next time possums, I’ll leave you with one of my faves...

Can singletons coexist with coupletons?

I recently shared an insightful conversation over cocktails with some foxy, singleton friends of mine. In manner of Linda Richman circa Saturday Night Live 1994, here’s a topic: men in committed relationships - they’re neither committed, nor in a relationship - discuss (heavy on the Jewish/New Yorker accent).

These said singletons have been engaging in a plethora of ‘other woman’ encounters, which leads one to question – are there really men out there that are in it for the long haul? Or rather, a series of ad-hoc hanky panky? The answer to that question is most definitely up for debate as my research on the subject continues…

Speaking from a 20-something perspective, I admit first hand to bearing a rather large chip on my shoulder with respect to interacting with the opposite sex. However, I do believe the ‘I’m young, I’m hot, and I don’t need you’ attitude will only carry you so far dear possums.

Does assuming the role of the other woman give some gals a sense of empowerment? Maybe, but last time I checked, we won the women’s lib movement ladies. We can vote, wear pants in the workplace and have successful careers. What else do we need to feel validated?

I for one have smooched my share of toads amongst a small pool of princes, but alas, there are good guys out there. Great guys in fact. I don’t buy into the man-hater propaganda. Call me an optimist, but I love men…adore them even. I’m not writing the fellas off just yet.

To be continued…

The Urban Cowgirl wishes you all a safe and sloshy St Patrick’s Day

Do men sprout ovaries at 35?

Urban Cowgirl – Make it a Double

2 posts this week

A funny thing happened during my Saturday morning stagger to the local coffee spot – a dear friend of mine called to advise (and perhaps warn) me that men are…acquiring ovaries?

A gruesome metaphor perhaps, but my gal pal had details to back this up, or rather explain. Sorry fellas, but I suggest you hang in there for this juicy piece of insight you’re about to receive.

Picture this…you’re a foxy 20-something, out on the town socializing with a few work colleagues. To respect our subject’s identity, we’ll say you work in the mortgage industry. You end up sharing a cab home with a particular mortgage broker you’ve been having indecent inklings for, only to be stopped abruptly at your front door. ‘Does he want to come up’ you think to yourself? Nope. Nope he does not. Instead, he wants to stand outside in the pouring rain to tell you how special you are. So special that he decides not to come in and rock your world, but to ask you if you’re interested in having children. Children? His children? At this point, you stare blankly at him, wondering if it’s the flurry of martinis talking or if you heard him correctly.

Biology says that women have a clock. Mother Nature’s way of telling us to take off our stilletos, bake some cookies and bear young. Is it possible that men also dawn this clock? The plot of procreation thickens.

The staggering part of this story is that under the same scenario, after the same party, this happened to another gal I know. What are the odds? Is this happening to single gals everywhere, and we just aren’t talking about it? Also, I must note, both the gentlemen in these stories are approaching the latter portion of their 30’s.

Fellas – I’m curious to hear what you have to say on the subject. Add your comments!

Ladies – are there other gals out there experiencing this pending pandemic? Shall we form a support group?